Finding strength

I’ve searched and realized I need to find my own inner strength. My heart is broken and that can’t be changed. My days become garbled as the confusion of reality doesn’t always seem there. I wait for the phone to ring. I wait to hear her beautiful voice. I wait for tomorrow hoping this day is wrong.

My waiting needs to end. I’m digging deep within me for the happiness because I know it’s there. Finding the me and finding the new light of today. There’s a spark and a glimmer that I feel and I’m letting it out. I want joy. I want happiness. I want to take the pain away from all that go through this sadness.

Oh my poor Emily I can only imagine your pain as I live through this. You were sad. You were missing the happiness and couldn’t find it. What did I not do? Why? Why are there so many people in this world that suffer with such horrible sadness.

Missing you Emily. Missing everything about you. Can’t stop the pain but can find happiness to drown it away. Living life without seems so unreal.

bye baby girl

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Lost

I’m lost within my head. Days, weeks, months have passed. Heaviness seems to grow rather then lessen. A moment she’s there in my mind with a beautiful smile then a flash to the moment of when I found here hanging over the side of the bathtub.

Those years she was here are gone with a blink of the eye. My memories I’m encapsulating them inside my head so that the pain will stay away.

Freedom from this agony of a broken heart is all I want. Those tears I find them running down my cheek once again. She’s home for good. At least I hope and is in God’s house.

My love is there at least this is what I tell myself but I need to go on with my life and live once more. Create memories without her there. Create memories that one day I’ll share with her.

Now I sit and take a deep breath and have thoughts about her life. I constantly ask myself where did I go wrong. I thought I was a good parent but now I second guess. What is a good parent I can’t recollect. When I struggled in life did that make me stronger and have a different focus so that I couldn’t take my life. I wonder. I ponder. I think. I hope. The next if there is ever a next time that the decisions I make as a parent aren’t in vain.

Help me Lord to find my way. I’m a lost soul without a place to stay.

She’s gone

Reality has set in and the tears seem to monopolize my time. I’m overtaken by the sorrow and pain. Each moment I live I realize you’re gone. You’re an angel now. Your wings are strong as when you were a baby and you walked for the first time. No hesitation, not even a mere second passed and you were moving.

Those memories are just in a photograph and lost within my mind. Slowly I try to find all the pieces of your story. Slowly I try to find my life without youm

I look into the mirror and wonder of what could’ve been, of the life that you didn’t live. I close my eyes and try to erase reality from my world. I seek external happiness. I seek joy. Emily did you find that. I sure hope you did. I only want the best for you. I only want you to be ok. I want you to find the life after death to be pain free but please, please don’t forget me.

One day

One day I’ll be there with you

Your smile will radiate I front of me as you have now found peace, happiness and joy once more.

The sound of your voice resonates within my head. The sound of you telling me you can’t take the pain. How. How could’ve I stopped you.

Live life

Love you Emily

Harden my heart

You need to let life go. We can’t change what has happened. We can’t look back. We have to live. If we don’t live for ourselves we need to live for others.

As I pass through these moments of grief my heart thickens and hardens. I’ve built a wall of protection to save me from the pain.

I’m learning each and everyday how to undo that hardness. How to let the light in and push the darkness out. My smile is there because I seem to find it some days. My heart has joy because I feel the laughter somedays. This does not mean I care any less but I’m learning to care more. My empathy is exponential. My emotions are running amuck. My life is still spinning out of control but there are moments when I’m grounded.

I can laugh

I can smile

I can remember

I can love

I can live

We will always miss her but my life and my love needs to go to those left behind. Emily I hope you understand that I love you no less than the day you were born. I’ll continue to shed tears behind closed doors.

But I’m going to live.

I’m going to etch new lines in my world so that I have a different path to follow.

Sometimes I’ll scribble

Sometimes I’ll draw.

Sometimes I won’t stay within the lines of life.

A smile

Each day I search. My eyes are peeled wide open hoping for just a glimpse of something that says Emily is here.

Three days pass and I still feel it is so unreal. Was she ever even in this world? Was she a part of my life our was this all a dream and now I’m in reality.

My mind gets confused trying to distinguish fact from reality. My heart remains heavy so my thoughts must be real. Emily did exist and as much as it hurts to believe she is gone.

A bono and she disappeared into the ground. The coffin was lowered and my mind seems to block most off that out. I close my eyes and try to remember so I can get my head to believe where reality begins and ends.

So what’s next? Do I turn the pages and try to write a new chapter. The new chapter started with crocked, squiggly lines that are not clear and hard to decipher because this moment in my life is skewed by what does not feel like I’m

existing in this world. I’ve become lost.

There exist shadows within this darkness of emotional turmoil. I reach to them. Feeling my way arms trying to find freedom from sadness. A bright light exists and brings warmth over me. The happiness hasn’t left it is here but covered within the shadows of darkness. Let the light shine in. Let my life begin to grow to a new level. Let me take this moment and grow stronger and use this moment in life to help others. I want to help and teach others that we can get out of the darkness with our own strength and power.

Broken

People asked when do you think you will be feeling better? People ask what can they do to make this pain go away. They want to see us go back to normal.

Well, the fact is I’m broken and everyone in the family is also broken.

The pain will never leave and I’ll never be normal again. The pieces of my heart have shattered into a million pieces to a point of an undesirable and unbearable thought.

The scars are deep and profound. My body is sore from enduring this relentless pain. I feel stripped of my personality that once existed and I need to build a new me.

How am I doing?

I’m okay. I’m alive. But I’m not the old me. I’m working towards becoming a new me. One that can still say she has 5 beautiful children but one remains 19 forever. One that can smile and enjoy life and find happiness in everything around her. I want to be able to look at the Emily that once was and smile and embrace the times we share. To be able to do this without tears streaming down my face.

World I still love you and want to make this relationship with life work but I’m looking for a hand to hold as this new world scares me and has taken away a part of me.

Unfree

The week before Emily died she left some clues that I now see.

Almost Everyday from age 14 on Emily would make the statement I want to die. Every time we would act on it and search to see where she was at mentally. Did she need to be hospitalized. Was this a time when she needed more help.

The conversations were long and we delved into many topics. She would make comments like “I can’t do this anything. I won’t ever be able to take care of myself. Im not ever going to be good. My least favorite comment was ” mom one day I’m going to die and I’m going to die before you. I know this is hard for you to hear and I’ve been holding onto life for a long time and I’m not feeling better.” My response was always, ” Emily I don’t think I could ever live without you. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much.”

Were these the final words that say she’s done.

Raising a child is one thing and a difficult task at that but raising a child with mental illness is very taxing. Especially when you are a health professional and find life sacred and will do anything to protect it and keep it here.

Looking back into time. The week before her last breathe was unique. I look back and think there were signs. She was more elated than normal. She called me in the middle of the week at work just to tell me “mom I love you and I want you to know I think the world of you. Mom you’re the best mother anyone could ask for. Hearing these words heightened me and made me question her. Emily are you alright? Emily are you going to hurt yourself.

Emily laughed and said I knew you would say that.

We talked a while longer and during the conversation I grabbed my keys and headed to my car to go home to check on her.

Arriving home to find everything to be okay. I then asked her to go out to sushi with me.

The day seemed normal. Little did I know she had the same conversation with her dad right before I had talked with her…..

She had already made up her mind but we were not aware.

The following day we were suppose to go pick up her cousin Tory. As the hours to the day ended there was a power outage at work and we had no air conditioning. Inn the next second, Emily called me and was very upset because I was not able to leave work. We talked for a bit. Then I checked in with unit. All was good and the charge nurses would call if they needed my help. I then headed out to pick up Emily and then drove 2 hours to go get tori.

Looking back I think Emily was very upset because she wanted Tory there. She wanted to spend her last days with her best friend.

As I continue to ponder about this story tears start streaming down my face. I begin to have a clearer recollection of the day.

Why Emily left is all I want to know.

We had the best week of our lives the week before she died….. Why Emily why.

I sit here and hold my breath and think wow this is hard and must have been so painful as she died gasping for air.. I don’t know how it was but I have seen many people die through the years and it’s painful and sad.

.

Depression has no face

Do you wake up one day and say I want to be depressed?

Do you think you can tell by looking at a person that they have depression?

Do you think can see the signs and protect them to all ends of the world?

Do you really think you know what you’re talking about when you tell someone they have bipolar or depression or for that fact any mental health issue?

Who are we fooling?

Egos of the mental health professional will tell you they have the answers and can fix it but they can’t. It’s not a simple surgery that is diagnosed and repaired.

This cancerous diseases is without boundaries and has no biases. It chooses who it wants and rules thier life beyond control. You have now become the puppet of the mental health world. Feed them the pills and tell them what to say that is correct way in this world……

Heck there is no medicine out there that can cure, fix, mend or repair this destructive disease.

I am a health professional. I have read thousands of articles and many books related to mental health illness and much to my dismay I have no answers.

Many times the answer is just mental growth and time. But in most cases the sands of time have run out and we lose our precious children to this cancer.

What is that they say. Your can’t have happiness or understand happiness without sorrow and pain. I think I have tackled that but my thoughts of sorrow and pain are still stuck in limb and my thoughts of happiness are skewed with a new perception.

Smile the say. Be happy each and everyday.

I don’t want someone you feel this is all meant to be negative or deactivate your thoughts on positivity in this world around us. I want this to be suicide by words. Slowly we are dying inside and looking

Life

My heart is heavy. My life seems chaotic. I’m confused and lost in a sea of tears. Looking for answers. Looking for her. Where are you now.

Where have you gone.

My heart aches.

My eyes weep.

My life is changed

I can’t sleep.

Dreams are not dreams

The joy of sleep does not exist.

Time passes slowly and night is still here. Closing my eyes brings only fear.

Find me, help me, I’m lost today.

I’m looking for tomorrow or just another day. The present is painful. The hurt is strong and I’m not sure today that I want to go on.

Take a deep breathe.

One day at a time.

Sleep I tell myself

Sleep for a long time.

Dreams might become reality and she might be there. I can hold her tight and I can hold her here. Sleep I say.

Sleep

Slow down world

Slow down world teens are killing themselves. Continually we hear about another death. The alarming number of trends that are depressed or anxious. W have done and made this world this way. The world that is high paced and pushy.

What are we doing? Looking for answers to suicide related to deepen depression or anxiety. The answers are in front of us. We continue to push our society to be better than other nations. We through put more and more technology and expect our children to be able to adapt to these changes in life.

Oh many are learning to cope but many are not and the numbers are growing. Mental illness is growing at alarming rates and we are putting bandaids on it. Through another medicine down their throat and the pain will get all better.

What has happened? We taken away thier freedom to be kids. The recesses are limited to the younger ones which is crazy. The ones that need it most and it can help then cope are the teens. We have reached a level duo high that to be able to fix and treat is beyond our comprehension.

Okay world wake up.

Where is our government in all this?

We have a heroin crisis that they are focused on…… Well, let me tell you those young children using heroin are part of this group of mental health concerns for certain. Each and everyone of them are trying to cope with this world that does not give them time to grow up.

They ask for answers on how to fix the epidemic which is worse than Ebola but they didn’t ask the right people. The grieving parent. We have answers right in front if us. See there were signs and warning ask through their life but many of us think “they just need to learn how to vote in this world”. They need to realize ask this stuff they have to learn is needed.

Yes there are many that street very successful at dealing with this but I bet if you ask any parent did their children have trouble coping and dealing with this freaking crazy fast pace of the world the sneer would be”yes”.

I even struggle with the pace on days and in an adult with coping skills.

We need to focus on the real problem. Build schools that will help this group of children learn at a pace that the can cope. We build schools for children with severe mental handicaps. We provide treatment and necessary things for kids with cancer but not for this……

The treatment and ideas needed is closer at hand than we think.

Part of my mind said why not make a serotonin pump regulator just like they do for diabetics but I’m not sure that is the full fix. Society is the fix we need…. Come on world let’s focus the schools and government for a change. Classes on teaching about copping silks for depression, exercise class for all students…

Slow down and take it easy…. Save our kids.