Numb inside

Each morning I wake and think it’s not real. The shock is still there. The moments from the time get farther away. I say repeatedly I don’t know how people do it and survive our move forward.

Well, I’m reading and understanding. Doesn’t fix it or mend the hole in my heart but it brings a little clarity. 

I’m numb. I can see things happening all around. I make myself do things that should occur out of habit, knowledge or routine. I trudge forward to the next day only to have to do it all over again. 

That is wake up and realize it is real. The thoughts flood through my head and are random, distorted and disconnected. We are given the ability to turn our brains off to survive and that’s what I think I’m doing sometimes. I bring clarity and make decisions when needed and those times help distract me from the reality off this tragic loss that has made a gaping hole in my life.

The puzzle is still in disarray. The clouds above are still dark. The echoes of her voice are missing. The light is barely flickering but I’m here and I’m numb. 

My mind will help me know when and how much I can endure. It is wonderful thing at times.  

The books help me understand that even though I’m not remembering everything about Emily those precious memories are being  stored so that I can access them when I’m able to cope better.

Emily keep giving me signs. It helps me to cope knowing that you might be near.

Love you Emily. Miss you everyday. I have learned to not cry all the time but that does not mean I don’t miss you.

Everything is going to be alright

I take a deep breath. One foot forward is what I tell myself. I can do it. But do I want to do it. I’m looking for meaning. I’m trying to find my new norm. What is it? What keeps me moving forward. The voices in my head tell me you have to see that everything is going to be alright. Don’t worry about a thing is what I keep telling myself. This is my message to share with all. 

Look out to the sunrise in the distance. I Feel her presence as if she was near. Looking for comfort of her life that was once so near. Days pass by, moments escape us, memories become faint, the sound of her voice does not echo everywhere, the lub dub of her heartbeat does not exist. Years until I see her again. Tears now gently roll down my cheek. The void is large. The wound weeps from the deep sorrow within as I mourn for her to be near. 

Pause! What is that I hear? A memory flashed into my head. I hear her voice. It’s Christmas morning. She is waking me up so she can see what Santa brought. Oh the innocence that was then. Bring it back so I can hold her again. 

Today I want to just sit and cry. The days that have passed make missing her that much more. The numbing reality is setting in to my life. 

If I cry today it’s that I’m sad but I do have joy also and I will never lose that. This is a process and the pieces all need to be put in place.


Let the Light shine 

You wake knowing it is a new day. A new day and you’re going to make it great. Take your time and enjoy the world around. Capture those memories in your mind as if there will be no tomorrow.

Many times it has been said don’t put off what yout can do today because there might be no tomorrow. Emily might not see tomorrow but I will. I will find the light everyday I’m given and share my tomorrows with all that are around me. 

The glimmer and spark in my children’s eyes that were left behind is missing. I need to help them understand to live and love for today. Tomorrow’s can come and we will live them together.

Those moments we sat and chatted about wonderful trips, moments and silly times exist within us. Let’s grow new memories. Let the light shine in. 

Our hearts ache but w are mending slowly. Those moments will mend and turn into days that have passed. 

Finding the light. Finding the days. Finding the drive and desire. Finding new friends.

Finding meaning and purpose.

Everyone around me continues to help me find meaning. They are my strength and drive. They sometimes carry me when I’m weak and they won’t let me give up. 

Emily please let the light shine in. Help us to go on. I know you’re there and listening.

Puzzled

I can remember many things. I try and grasp each and every memory. A simple hug as she gets ready to go to bed. A kiss on the cheek when she gets ready to head out the door. As a 3 year she would get excited to use the water fountain so it would be a simple lift to take a sip. 
Walls are crumbling down without the sounds of her laughter, the smell of her, the conversations of her adult intellect or her life that she once lived. Memories are sparks in our minds of those moments that we shared. As I close my eyes I can walk through some of those times when she was once here. Listen is that her singing, is that the resonance of her voice within my head. I listen because I remember how beautifully she sang. 

Running away is what I want to do. The pain, the hole in my heart seems to large to mend. But I’m not going to do that. I’m finding purpose and meaning. I making a new puzzle of life and putting those pieces in place. This puzzle will always have one piece missing until I see you again. Love you little girl.

Luck should it be the answer

Luck should not be our best defense against suicide. Mental health checkups should be as common as a mammogram or colonoscopy. Why is it not a priority? There are well known facts and literature out there that supports the fact that if parents are not mentally stable then the children will bear the burden of that.

Each day we awake we are wondering did we win the lottery of life. Meaning we choose to be here. We choose to find a reason our purpose. Some people don’t win. Some people quit because they feel the pain and struggle is to great to bear.

Let’s make mental health the new cancer in life. My Emily would want us to find the answers and help those ruse are struggling to not bear that burden of pain and suffering. Let’s take luck out of the game. Let’s not play Russian roulette and see if the gun is going to go off and suicide prevails. Where are the scientist that want to find the answers? Just like cancer I know there is a cure.

Hello world help me save someone else’s baby. Look out into the beautiful skies and see daylight once again.

Emily I know you’re out there. I love you and miss you. Mommy wants a hug today.

Hear my voice 

My goal is to get more involved in being mental health advocates. As I write I see more listening and waiting for the next step. We are here as a team to make a difference and that will happen.

The changes are not easy and the steps are not clear. All we know is that we need to find more answeres.

There have been many moments that have told mothers and fathers to listen as they plan will start to unfold.

We will make those changes and find our way in life.

Ship wrecked

Someone sent me a poem with very touching words. It captured my attention and I read it until the end. My words tonight come along in the same idea. 

Being shipwrecked on a deserted island. The tides rush in and the waves crash along the shore line. The debris from the ship that once was now lines the shore line. The beauty of the island has now become tarnished from the massive amounts of debris. There is chaos and chatter of the survivors wandering aimlessly around the island. They have all lost someone during this escapee because when the ship capsized many people were trapped underneath with only pockets of air to survive. Each moment the weight of life that once was begins to drift away. The air left in the pockets under the capsized ship is now down to a minimum. The life that once was will soon  not exist. We become breathless. We are trapped and we don’t know how to move out of where we are at. Then something happens and the boat is turned right side up. There are survivors but they are in a massive confusion of life.

Wandering aimlessly we will go into the darkness and find our light. There will be a path that will guide us through.

Don’t ever give up. Don’t ever quit. Don’t ever lose hope. You are needed in this world to make the difference in whatever means it may be.

.

Take what you need in life

I resuscitated her and couldn’t save her. The blood was completely drained from her body. I then kissed her on her check knowing this would be the last time. 
A new day. A new start.

Mental health is bigger than me. If I can only save one. If I could breath a breathe of air and bring her back I would. My goal is to make her death known and help others understand and learn how to grow from this horrible life experience. 

Just one time I want to be there. I felt if I lived a good life and made good decisions I would be given credit in life to use for help by God. I always felt he had my back. He does but this wasn’t in his plan. 

Let the light shine down. Let the sun rise. Put the smiles on it is a new day. Moments, memories and life time spaces are still there and tucked away in our pockets to share. 

Making memories

I never thought this day would come. I never thought that I would make memories without Emily in our life. We are doing it. We are trying to build me memories. It’s hard because as we do it we open up the wounds of old memories. I can’t help saying Emily this and Emily did that. I love those memories and that is all I have left.

A moment of thought

As I sit here ready to write I begin to think of my new journey. Though I have lost a huge part of my life and my world had been turned upside down I have learned that I have written a new chapter. My life has changed. Whether it be good or bad the chapter is being written. Some days I don’t want to turn the pages and learn the unimaginable but it has to happen. From the dark scary moment of finding my baby to a new light of hope.

In this journey I have met the most remarkable and moving people that touch my life and make a difference. They speak to me and say I haven’t done what you have done or I haven’t walked in your shoes. But they have. They are not aware that their stories and steps are tremendous and make imprints in the dirt that will last forever. I am so thankful for all the new people and existing friends as they see there helping me through this journey of life’s

My burdens are lessened as my firms friends help me go on. They become my new family. One friend stated we are the pack of elephants and we will protect you.

Breath I tell myself. I’ve got your back. Make this family the best ever.

So I’ll just throw this out there to my new friends. I loved playing flip cup and can’t wait till I do it again.