Life takes courage

Each moment in time we pause think and wonder. Our thoughts race. Our minds are lost. Courage that is what it is. Be strong I tell myself because this world is going to give us challenges that take us down and make us not want to see tomorrow.

Tomorrow is here and I can do it. There are so many things to see. So many things to accomplish. Thank you for being here with me in life for each moment is a miracle in itself. Look around. Look at what we have and what we can do. Live life.Love life and have courage to see tomorrow……

Thinking of you Emily and I know you are looking down on us.

Hello to all up above. Smile from life below.

Still missing you….

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A letter from heaven

I sit on my porch waiting for the arrival. A glimpse of the delivery man, a friendly smile is all I want. The letter hasn’t come yet. so I stand and head back inside. Night fall comes and a storm starts to brew. The sky has changed and no sign of a letter from you.

Another day passes and I have not heard but I know you’re writing me a letter because that is what you do. You lived your life with such compassion. So I know that the tears are probably streaming as you compose your lines of how you wish you were here.

Now, The wind is blowing and my papers have become scattered across the front yard. The gate on the fence slams shut. The skies are once again dark as another day passes by without a letter from you to read. The rain drops begin to fall and I’m lost as I stare in the distance looking for you. How do I move on without hearing from you. I’m sure your busy and having a lot of fun but write me one more time from above.

I woke to the sun shining on my face. Oh the warmth it brings as I lie here and wait. In the distance the dark clouds begin to roll in towards the house. Another day of gloom and you’re not even about. The skies open wide and the rain pours down. This day is a wash and your not even here to notice the things all around.

Rain and gloom as the years pass by.

An echo in the distance I hear and I thought it was a goodbye.

The rain is here once again.

Goodbye, goodbye until I see you again.

And then a moment passes.

The hair on my arms stands up.

What was that sound that I heard. The echoes of her voice. The rain of her tears. Pitter, patter, and a giggle heard in the distance.

Mommy mommy I love you.

My heart melts. The rain begins to slow.

Then breaking through the clouds appears a rainbow.

The faint echo of your voice. A giggle from your laughter. A smile came across my face once more.

Don’t quit on life

Lessons learned to live life

We are Born and learn to walk with the help of our parents. We live life and learn to live with the help of our family. We are individuals. We have choices and freedom

Sometimes no amount of planning can alters bad outcome. Sometimes nothing we do can prepare Us for what we’ll be presented in life. The good the bad the moments that take our breath away.

There are days where we don’t want to find tomorrow and purpose does not exist. There are days where taking a breath is tiring and more than we can handle.

But we can’t stop there. There will be many of these days and there will be days when joy overtakes our body.

If I could do one thing in life I would want to hear each and everyone of you because you have a story that got you here in life. Your life is meaningful. Your life is needed. Your life has pepper and I want to help you share your story so you can live life once more.

Don’t give up.

When you’re gone the pain grows in others.

The desire to have you back.

The desire to see and hold you.

Our life becomes lost.

Time

I remember the day she said to me it’s not a matter of if but it’s a matter of when I will take my life. Those words resound in my head.

Each day I’m learning to accept the new norm. The day she left was tragic but the rest of my life will go on. I’ve learned that life is priceless and you cannot bring back memories. You cannot turn back the hands on a clock to relive those times of enjoyment. The thought of being like Dorman and racing though the sky to change time is so wanted by many people.

I step outside and feel the rays of sunshine upon my face. Listen to the sounds of birds in the trees. My time in this world is going to be memorable. Embracing what is in front of me. Hugging and giving all that I can. Knowing that many are struggling in life for a multitude of reasons.

So as those words continue to resound I ponder and wonder what did I miss. Was she telling me to save her or was she already done with life and I nor anyone else couldn’t save her.

Love will always remain in your heart for those that we lose or leave. Love is such a powerful emotion. Love gives and takes.

Gazes

Faces pressed against a window. Smiles shared by all. The children running through the yard and celebrating a birthday. Such happiness, such joy. C

Tag you’re it mommy. I quickly dash after her and grab her around her waist. That moment I take her and swing her around.

Wee she says. Faster mommy. We smile and giggle and enjoy our moments.

The darkness starts to become upon us and the fireflies are out. Please mommy. Please can we catch them. I would never pass up fun. I ran inside grabbed some glass jars and the kids all dashed through the yard to catch the fireflies.

Happiness surrounded us. We giggled smiled and laughed.

Oh how wonderful this memory is. She’s happy. So happy and time passed on.

Mental illness took over her. That horrible cancer. It invaded her mind and did not let her enjoy life anymore.

Hold onto your loved ones.

Miss you Emily.

Please share your smile with the rest of the angels. They will enjoy the bright beautiful smile that you shared with us.

Platforms of life

There are no scales to platform of suicide. These moments we say goodbye to anyone is painful both old and young. There are moments when I compare the death of my daughter and how it occurred and say you have no clue but that is wrong. Death is different at all levels.

I don’t know.

I don’t feel.

I don’t understand your pain.

I do know

The day my daughter died I feel apart. The days that pass don’t make it easier or lighter but they are days and I work though them. As her birthday approaches I feel the life of me being twisted into a pretzel with salt on the wounds to add to the pain. But it won’t stop me.

I will find her one day. I will hold my Emily again. My wings will spread like hers and I’ll be an angel in the skies above. The darkness will end. Life will hasten. Life will move on.

Time

Remembering her labor. I count down the days till she would arrive. A moment in time that has come and gone. The memory is there of her fist breath. Oh how beautiful I thought. She peered upwards towards as if she recognized my voice. Princess Emily that’s what I called her. This day would be one of many in your 19 years that you were with us.

I wish for that moment just one more tinge to be able to hold her tiny hand and watch it grow through time.

Emily was unique that is for sure and she left her mark within my heart to forever be there until we meet again.

This is that time when there tears begin to run like a slicker turned wide open. I guess with love and life comes sadness and tears. Thankful for the moments I had and cherish every second. Those moments went all captured in a camera so I pray that they remain within my head.

Fly away Em. Fly away until we meet again.

Strength

Somedays I feel stronger than life. Somedays I feel I can’t even wake up. There are days when my tears are never ending. There are days when I can’t see the sunlight through the trees. I pray and hope for this pain to end. I pray for life to become better.

Are you there? Are you listening?

Please answer me. Please tell me why? Why does it hurt so bad? Why did you go?

The memories of you have faded. I gaze out the window for a glimpse of a piece of your life. The simple memories. The simple things that made you you. A smile, a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight, a warm hug, or just a hello mom.

I’ll never hear these words again. Promise me mom you’ll never forget me. Emily I would say, you were brought into my life for a reason. The joy you share is breathless and I couldn’t survive without you.

I close my eyes and tremble as I remember the simple moment of placing a kiss in your forehead as I tucked you in.

Goodnight Emily. Goodnight princess. I’ll always remember and love you forever.

Puddles

The rain would fall and Emily would sit by the window. Mommy can I go outside she would ask. Sure Emily we can go out.Down the hall to the closet she would trapse. She would sit there and point at the items she needed to go out in the rain.

Puddles mommy. Puddles. Yes Emily there will be lots of puddles outside. Her smile began to grow for puddle jumping was something that I would let the kids do after a rainstorm

Emily put on her rain boots and headed to the front door. There stood her big sister Jessie. She entered the house and threw her bookbag down.

Mom, Jessie said. Weren’t you going to wait. But of course I stated. Puddle jumping was also her favorite. Jessie ran to the closet and grabbed what she needed. Put it all on and we all headed outside.

The simplest things in life seemed to bring so much joy to the kids. I never minded the muddy mess they would make from puddle jumping. I encouraged the fun and embraced their joy.

Thank you for those memories Emily. Your nephew TJ loves puddle jumping and his mommy Jessie smiles when he does it. I don’t know if she remembers doing that with you Emily but it sure was fun.

Sunshine will come again

Waiting for the sun to shine. Waiting for the clouds to clear. The time is of a new year and the days have passed and my tears are confined within my heart. My joy is a glimmer that I try to always share. But within my heart the tears will flow.

Holding back on the feelings.

Placing my feet on the ground. Listening to the sounds of people all around. Her voice is gone and not even a reckon of it within my mind.

Sleep I yell to myself for I hope to find her in my dreams. Looking for my life to begin again. I hold onto hope that the pain will end. I hold onto life for a new beginning. Dreams are all I have left. Dreams take me to a place that I can hold her again.

I take a deep sigh and see life enter this world. I hope and pray that the tears will always be happy ones.

Dream my little Adalee and tell me that you see my Emily.