How do we define ourselves

There’s never a day that goes by when I don’t think of her. She’s gone. She’s gone far away and I can’t reach her.

I so want her close and near to me.

If I could go back in time there would be so many things I would tell Emily. I think I tried to remind her of her greatness and how much she would be missed. Not sure what I said that didn’t teach her or reach her.

Emily here are my words for you today.

Don’t let someone or something define who you are.

You are unique and you are you.

The definition of who we should be or should become has become misconstrued by society and thier impossible thoughts of perfection and being.

We are who we are and we are doing just fine.

Remember to live in the world as true individuals.

What does that mean. Self reflect. Be non judgemental. Be unique. Don’t leave others out. Don’t manipulate others or a situation. Be honest.

This word is nigh. Honesty is word others don’t really follow. Honesty is more than telling the truth. Honesty is living true to what you do. Not changing things to suit your lives or your friends lives. I. Believe many people are not honest. How many of you do not speak the truth to others. You hold back what needs to be said. You judge others because they are not like YOU or they are not part of your circle of friends. You use a situation for your benefit. You change things that you shouldn’t change to benefit yourself or an individual you want it to benefit. You don’t have those crucial conversations. Instead you speak poorly of someone behind their backs. Those statements are all reflected in honesty and to my knowledge there are many that do not follow them and then go to the religious place for a reprieve and ask for forgiveness. You are only forgiven for how true you become out change.

Don’t be afraid to speak to me

Don’t say sorry.

Don’t ignore me

Don’t walk by me.

Speak to me.

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Finding life

There is no happiness without sadness. You can’t experience happiness without understanding the true meaning of sadness. But there are times when sadness takes us over at extreme lengths. There are moments when we can’t even find a reason to get out of bed. The sadness takes over our complete being and others have to help us find happiness. Do we find that happiness or do we put on a show. We struggle to make a smile appear on out face. Depression is one of the hardest things to go through and especially as a going teen or adult. The reasoning that life can be great and wonderful seems too far away in thier minds.

I feel their pain. I understand those that have extreme sadness. I think I understand depression. Just when I thought I had my shit together in life I am now given a challenge or fete that at times seems like the mountain is too high to climb and the energy within my body is gone. Emily if this is what you felt. I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I couldn’t take your pain away and heal your wounds of sadness.

I’m now at a crossroads in life. I feel defeated and drained. I feel the walls around me too hard to climb and that I would prefer to just lie in bed. Emily I feel your pain and I want it to go away.

My mind is Distortioned from life and reality.

I wish to close my eyes and wake up from this horrible dream. This nightmare that exists within my mind. I want the memories to continue to be built with Emily here. I want her back. Sorry Emmy. Sorry you had to go. I hope to see you again soon. You’re beautiful smile. Your beautiful face. Your beautiful you. Love you.

I’m going to sit here and think of every moment that I had with you in life. I want those good moments to take over this horrific picture that I remember of you. The look on your face when I found you dead is enough to haunt my soul forever. I can’t forgive myself and I can’t stop wandering how much pain you went through as your heart stopped beating.

Rain drops fall

Drip drip the sounds of rain drops as they hit the sil of the window edge. The sound of rain echoes all around. My mind is silent and occupied keeping the sadness out. Listen and focus. Distract myself from those thoughts.

Deep breath as they start all over again. A new day but not a new beginning. Another day with the thoughts of what once was. The graphic pictures in my head begin to pour in. I quickly get ready so that I can get somewhere and converse about topics of thier choosing. The distractions keep the thoughts out of my head for some mere moments.

I now sit in my car and wait. Wait for the moment when I can feel composed and enter the building. I don’t want to skip a beat. I want to walk down the hallways with a smile and keep those thoughts out of my head.

I’m not sure I’d the day when this will end. There are days when it feels like pure torture and images both good and bad floods my mind as I try to hold a conversation or read an article.

Silence does not do me any good as it opens my mind and let’s those thoughts pour in. The memories are so clear add if I’m there all over again. The smells, the sounds. I hear the dogs and Matthew and Tori. I remember when I turned the key to unlock the door. The gut wrenching feeling within me became strong at that very moment. It is all so real but in another breath feels so distant and fake.

When you say goodbye and bury someone there are many who will move on quickly and their hearts were not broken to the extreme of where there is no repair.

Just breath I tell myself. Yell real loud do you know the is real. Open your eyes and keep the silence away.

Pages turned

As I turn another page in life, those memories become just another moment that once existed in time. I sit in silence and close my eyes trying to bring them back even if it’s just for a mere second.

Outside the air is fresh and the sounds of summer have passed. It is now time for the morning rush of the kids crawling out of bed and having that mad dash to the bathroom to get ready. I hear the kids bickering. I hear her voice. It sounds as if she is 10 but so mature for her age as she sasses back at her sisters. Then they all giggle. I ask what is going on and their laughter becomes louder. I wasn’t ever worried they all took care of each other. They were all so bonded.

Oh how time has changed. Her innocence was gone and she was making decisions but she chose one that I didn’t want her to choose.

So many things spark my thoughts. Today it was of school buses and kids getting ready for school. The thought of braiding her hair and the thought of life that’s lost. My memories hurt and haven’t become joy. I want to hold onto her and never let her go.

I’m sorry Emily. I’m sorry you had to go. I know this was your choice but I feel responsible for this.

I realize many things that I have missed and wish I could bring it back.

Reality of life

I’m dying on the inside each day

My heart aches everyday for a child that I loved and lost

Every morning I wake looking for her hugs to embrace me then the tears stream down my face out of control. There is no force that can stop them and the pain is relentless. I try to find reason in life and meaning so that I don’t leave this world. My emotions tend to drive my daily activities.

So I put in a phasad hoping that the day will turn out right and no one knows the emotion that exist within my heart.

No one to share it with because who wants to hear on a continual basis about grief, tragedy and sorrow. Who wants to know about the life that once existed. Only a small handful of people will listen because they know the pain. They’ve walked that road of sorrow and sadness. They know what it is like to not have drive or motivation. They know what it’s like to live in this hell that we call life. They know my pain.

I truly want to be happy and make others happy. I want to soar through life on the wings of an angel and feel the wind and branches of trees swiftly brush across my face. The trickle down my cheeks is that of blood from the scratches caused by the branches. I feel pain. I feel alive. I feel life. I want to feel that again.

There are moments when the directions of life become confused. Where the road if dirt meets concrete and we have to decide do we want to travel that rock solid path or do we turn around and lie inn the dirt because there is no where else to go…..

God knows where I’m at and I’m looking for him to carry me across the sands inn this stormy dessert.

Emily I know you are listening and I know you were in pain and suffered a long time. I pray to you for your love and guidance. I know you’re an angel of God and you’re listening. Please help us live through each day to find our way.

Distractions will help you survive

I was Awakening and pondering on something for the day. There are so many different people in this world and many with stories like mine. I wonder how do they do it. How do they crawl out of bed each day and find their inner smile. How do they look at the memories and not cry but find happiness. How when you think of them does your stomach not ache and you don’t become lost in thought.

I could ask questions forever. I don’t have an answer. But I’m going to become who I used to be. The optimist. Life gives us many choices, opportunities, stressors, crazy ideas, and heart ache but I’m going to find the opportunity in every situation.

Getting lost in my head probably will occur, tears will continue to find their way down my cheeks but I’ll wake up tomorrow to live for each day. Remember you got to wake up this morning and breathe the fresh air when there are others whose heart stopped beating during the night and they will not live for today. Don’t let yesterday fill up all of today. And when you get knocked down reach for a hand and one of us will pull you up.

Part of me wants to stay sad and live in Emily’s memories. Thinking of each moment of life we shared together. The better part of me is looking at reality and finding those distractions with those left behind. When the room is silent try to focus on something that will keep you in touch with reality and let you rest at night.

As I sit here and write the tears have begun to find thier way down my cheeks. It’s love that I had for her and she’s gone.

I’m moving forward Emily and I’m going to make a difference. I’m going to change the world and help others that suffer from the cancer called depression.

Miss you Emily.

Cyclone

Emotions continue to stifle me. There are many days when I don’t know how to handle them. Emotions are a roller coaster out of control and makes your stomach go into knots. How do you work through these? How do you learn to cope? How do you make sure you won’t hurt others in the process?

The questions continue to stack I’m my mind to a pile so high that I feel there is no end.

Light. I see light and have a realization that it has to be about me first.

When you are just barely treading water don’t give up. Within your reach there is strength and you need to grab it and use it

As we pour out the emotions and learn to cope after a horrific moment in life we need to start to build the new you. Stronger and better. Don’t regret, don’t hesitate to make those decisions. Jump on the life raft and take a deep breath. Try to find the reality of the world you are living in. If there are things pulling you down because they are too heavy on the life raft let them go and hopefully they float. maybe one day they’ll float by you again and you can deal with it.

Friends as you see those around you struggling be understanding, be supportive, be that person that listens for words that shows that you might need a life preserver. Eventually they can paddle their way to shore.

Meaning and purpose is what I strive for and I’m searching and working on me.

Grateful

I wake up each day and breathe deeply. I should be grateful. But I search hard within my soul to feel the gratitude that I have for being in this world. The struggles for the day begin as the sun starts to rise over the horizon. My mind wrangles to understand the magnitude of what has occurred. My life is spiraling downward but I reach out for a life line and it’s there. The words from wise friends and family members “be grateful, live your life for those that are here, cherish the memories and move on to a new life”.

Smile each and find what you are grateful for. I am grateful that I’m here. I have much more in life than many others. I do not struggle to make ends meet. I’ve seen many miracles happen within my lifetime.

But while I’m grateful I’m THINKING. What has happened to my life. What is this world all about. What do we truly know about each other. Let’s make our devotion to life and live for tomorrow.

Blessings in disguise

Each day we live to feel accomplished, satisfied, happy, and complete but we tend to let things distract us and guide us astray. Many days I’ve been walking a road in life with many beautiful, loving, caring and selfless people in my life. These people have helped me in so many ways and I live my life to learn from each of them. I hope to not lose sight of this as I get self involved in who I am as a person.

Thank you God for sending me all your beautiful angels on this earth.

Love each day knowing you will wake up tomorrow. Love today knowing you will love tomorrow. Know what yout must do today to get to your tomorrow.

Make sure you know what to do to make sure you are the person you need to be tomorrow. Do whatever it takes to be part of tomorrow.

The are monomers that you have to go through and you need to suffer and go through this pain and struggle to get to that beautiful tomorrow.

Keep pushing forward and don’t give up. Love one another for who knows what will happen tomorrow.

I want to say Thank you to everyone for you are truly my blessings in disguise and help me live for tomorrow.

Just breathe

I’m talking more now Emily. I’m sharing your story’s about your life. Short and sweet it was. Saddened that you left us but it will not be a lost cause. For everything that happens in life there is a purpose. There is reason and maybe I’ll find understanding.

I’ve waited for superman to save the day and bring her back but that was a jovial short lived thought that will move on. Every step you took and every breath you made I gave you from birth. The years we shared were momentous.

I think you knew all along and I understand now. You called me that week at work to tell me how much you truly appreciated me and loved me. Those words resound in my head like musical notes.

My heart skips a beat and my stomach feels like it’s in a ball the thought that you had made that decision and couldn’t tell me hurts. I love you more than words can explain.

Sometimes I sit in silence listening for your voice, listening for the sounds of your feet shuffling across the floor, awaiting for your return. But I know the truth and know you’re gone for good.

Emily all I ask is that you be here in spirit and guide us in life. Be here for us so that we can survive this tragic story.

Be around for the births of your new niece our nephew and watch them take a breath for the first time.