Finding tomorrow

I’m lost but I will find the light. I will find tomorrow and I will find a reason to survive. What umm thinking and feeling is perfectly normal and death is one thing but death by suicide is more detrimental to a family than one can imagine.

I’m picking up the pieces and putting my life together. Not taking about it is normal and my coping mechanism. I’ve learned in life how to survive. Being busy keeps me from dwelling. I’ve been sharing and talking but I’m learning to retreat into me.

Writing will be my life emotional outlet and there I’ll talk. There I’ll share to myself the moments that are stuck in my head. No one and I mean no one can even grasp the feelings that I have unless they have walked in my path.

The horror of the day will forever be with me. The triggers are there but I’m slowly learning them and trying to make them part of my life. They won’t ever go away as many that have walked my path have not seen what I’ve seen. My days will be long because my mind betrays me and guides me astray. But power within me will eventually learn to conquer all.

Breathe is a word I tell myself everyday. Tomorrow is a new day. The sun did come up and I get to feel it upon my face.

Yes Emily will never see that again.

Yes as a parent I will always feel like I failed.

Yes life is hard and we carry with us through our days emotional baggage and a huge bucket of tears. Years cannot change that. Time cannot take take it away.


Finding tomorrow

I struggle with my own existence. I breath and think tomorrow will be a better day. I know it will. Decisions are hard. Emotions ruin rampant. How do we survive? How do we move on to tomorrow.

I’m struggling to find meaning. I struggling to know what to do. Somedays I don’t want to wake up. Somedays are hard but I do them. I wake up and look for the meaning. Do we know the answer. Do we know we are on the right path of life’s

Heck no. We are stuck in this world. We’re lost in our life and we have to survive.

Til we meet again

I struggle each day to find the meaning and many times it is right in front of my eyes. I do not see it because I’m so lost in life. Confused by each day as I hear and mean of others who have done the same as you. Emily you were one of five. You meant so much to each and everyone in this world. You were lost on a path of life that I couldn’t even help you.

Where do I start my day, my life, my future when you’re not here. I look to find my new normal but don’t see it. My heart is lost without you.

I truly understand your darkness that you felt when you had fallen I life and couldn’t get back up. I know you thought of nothing but the pain and sorrow in your mind and how to get rid of it. In your mind you became numb add you embraced the thought of peace when you took your life.

The days of tomorrow didn’t exist in your mind. The days were ended and you saw nothing but peace in your new life. I so wish I could see you and feel your hugs one more time. I’m truly lost and hurting. The path that I’m traveling had to many bumps that make it too difficult to travel….

Miss you

Living for her

Each day I live I want to share your story. I know others my be tired of hearing it but I want to make sure we make changes and make a difference.

The pain is still present and doesn’t get any better. The thoughts are still vivid and haven’t started to fade. Am I holding on or are they permanently imprinted into my mind.

To see tomorrow in a different way and forget the images is what I long for. To remember the innocence of your life and sweet personality that you showered us with when you were feeling okay.

The thoughts in my mind were that you would never do this. You would’ve never left us. I truly thought I could hold onto you forever.

Today my mind is skewed and my bucket of tears seems to be overflowing. Like as friend once stated that it would be nice to put a hole in the bottom of the bucket of tears and release them onto the world so that we can move on with our life.

I’m drained everyday. I go to bed and sleep but wake up tired not sure why. Is it the constant argument with my mind related to this tragic moment. Hoping and praying that none of my other children go through this and repeats history. Where is the guidance in my head.

Invisible bucket of tears

As I walk through the hallways, I hold back my tears. Hoping for a day where these moments don’t arise. That pit in my stomach feeling from remembering that day. I’m not the only one I tell myself. There are many others with stories. Many that carry pain with them from day to day.

Each person in this world has or will carry with them an invisible bucket of tears. What is this you ask? It’s the many stories that one or another has about a life situation or struggle. Weather it is related to a devastating death, traumatic outcome, struggle with addiction or the inevitable thought that your life will be cut short related to a tragic diagnosis, you carry that bucket with you everyday.

I have been lost and carry my bucket but so soon forgot that there are many others out there with a bucket that is probably heavier than mine.

So many days we took life for granted and are lost in this world that seems to have endless happiness. But is there really endless happiness or is that a state of mind that we fathomed up. The emotions are countless amongst many. The buckets are burdensome moments that take many days, months out even years to find a new normal.

The years are painful and the tears are present for many others. One by one we experience that moment that brings us down the path in life that is tragic.

Choose life

Even the best fall down sometime. But getting up is what we have to do. Finding our way is hard sometime. Through the darkness is light. In pain we need to look for joy.

Over and over again I recite this to myself in the hopes for it to find me the answers or relieve me of this pain.

I’ve fallen to a depth in life that I have never been. I’ve seen darkness and sometimes hate to see the light. I struggle each and every day as I’m haunted with her death. I live with the judgment of others on the mistakes they think I made. My heart sinks and my life is not fully balanced.

I’m living each day in hopes of tomorrow to be a better day. In hopes that this nightmare not be true and in hopes for peace and happiness each and every day left.

Bring me the joys of tomorrow. Bring me the sunshine that makes us smile. Wipe away my tears and hope that this is not true. Another birthday inn the family has passed, another day we realize you are not part of our life, another one of the many times that I will cry and look for answers of why you are not here. Oh Emily please come back.

Seconds of your life

Don’t write your ending I tell myself. Why… When will the pain stop? Life is hard and the roller coaster ride we take has many turns. But none are turns for finding our past. My heart aches as each day goes past. I sit in my chair hoping for the phone to ring from her one more time. The moments of her life are written in pictures and videos. The stories about her are starting to fade. Emily you’re not forgotten and you’re here in my heart.

The world is so much for some of our young minds to handle. What can we do to fix things so that someone else does not lose their babygirl. Mental illness is an illness like no other and the tortuous pain it leaves behind is beyond words that no one can speak. Just breathe I tell myself one day at a time. You can do this.

I tell myself to Look for tomorrow. Look for answers. Don’t quit. Hold onto what you know and don’t let someone else influence you to believe a different story.

Tomorrow there will be more of us telling the story of thier lives lost.

There was Silence as her life ended. She never had a chance. Here I sit thinking. Now, I’m catching my tear drops as they fall knowing those memories are there to stay. Her life is gone. Some days It makes me feel like there is nothing left of me.


Each day we wake and don’t hesitate to think will there be a tomorrow, or even a completed today where we can watch the sun descend slowly down behind the mountains.

Did Emily wake thinking this would be my last day?

My thoughts are that she did. As the days led up to the end she planned and prepared. She meticulously choose what she would wear. She tried hard to spend time with everyone that she could. She shared many I love you’s. She lived her last week with her and I doing many fun things. We went out to eat almost every night the week before. We went shopping and I bought her many things not knowing this would be the last time we would shop.

We chatted and talked lengthy conversations as if it was an ordinary day. She spoke to me about her anger against her father for not celebrating his birthday and of his conversation he had with her about being lazy because she didn’t want to take the dogs down for a walk. She gave me many words of advice and had such difficulty following through on it but I finally have. These were normal conversations that I would have with her not thinking it would be the last conversation.

The fun we had that night continues to flash within my mind about my inability to dance as her cousin Tori and her attempted to teach me moves that my body was not made to do.

She planned and only she knew.

I so wish I knew because I would’ve done everything in the world to save her. I love her more than words could say.

We’re not invincible and life can leave our body’s with the blink of an eye. Think and pause to know you could be gone tomorrow. You might not be able to give those hugs for one last time.

Love each day.

Live each day to the fullest.

Please come back

Each day I get up I realize and remember all over again. On my face I apply the smile that is needed to be seen. I walk again some days lost in my mind trying to push out the constant thoughts of you. You’re gone and will never be back.

I’m sad and want to change the time to a day when you were here. Remembering your laughter and tears. I would cuddle with you on the couch and gently rub your back. I can hear echoes of your voice in my head everywhere I go. You were perfect to me in every way.

But there was the sadness that weighed you down everyday. Why. Why does it have to make you take your life. Why can’t medicine figure this out. They continue to fumble and make inadequate choices in the medical field for so many people with mental health disorders. That pill might as well be a placebo for many people that continue to struggle. Wait a week they always say and then that week is another. Time goes on and no cure, no answers and a life is ended.

Don’t close your eyes. Don’t look back because it’s over and you can’t fight for her to get better anymore. That mental health disorder that she called her cancer took her life.

Emily please guide and help your father for at this moment in time he is lost. He lashes out in anger towards me for your death to be my fault. Every parent blames themselves but you had it all planned out down to what clothes you would wear when I found you. “Be free”. That’s what you shirt said when I pulled you from the bathtub and listened to the 911 caller tell me to do compressions. There was only a mere drop of blood left within in your body and I watched it drip from your arm.

I’m so sorry Emily. Sorry I couldn’t save you.

When I lost you

When I lost you the screams from my voice resonated through the town. I hold my breath thinking that you will be home. I sit and listen to the family talk about you in past tense just now beginning to realize that it’s true.

I’m wishing for a better ending. I’m wishing I could change time. That one last hug never came. That one last moment never existed because it was all made up in my mind to help me cope.

Where do I go from here. Where do I go now. I was willing to dedicate everything and every bit of time to you in order to keep you here.

Breathe i tell myself and think about tomorrow. Look for the meaning and look for a purpose. Stay grounded here on earth I tell myself. Stay here because the world needs you.

Tomorrow has come and the sounds are of everyday activities. The mundane life is still moving forward. People around have been in tomorrow for a while. My existence has changed but others only see sadness and a broken heart. I see a life trying to find a new path.