Harden my heart

You need to let life go. We can’t change what has happened. We can’t look back. We have to live. If we don’t live for ourselves we need to live for others.

As I pass through these moments of grief my heart thickens and hardens. I’ve built a wall of protection to save me from the pain.

I’m learning each and everyday how to undo that hardness. How to let the light in and push the darkness out. My smile is there because I seem to find it some days. My heart has joy because I feel the laughter somedays. This does not mean I care any less but I’m learning to care more. My empathy is exponential. My emotions are running amuck. My life is still spinning out of control but there are moments when I’m grounded.

I can laugh

I can smile

I can remember

I can love

I can live

We will always miss her but my life and my love needs to go to those left behind. Emily I hope you understand that I love you no less than the day you were born. I’ll continue to shed tears behind closed doors.

But I’m going to live.

I’m going to etch new lines in my world so that I have a different path to follow.

Sometimes I’ll scribble

Sometimes I’ll draw.

Sometimes I won’t stay within the lines of life.

Advertisements

A smile

Each day I search. My eyes are peeled wide open hoping for just a glimpse of something that says Emily is here.

Three days pass and I still feel it is so unreal. Was she ever even in this world? Was she a part of my life our was this all a dream and now I’m in reality.

My mind gets confused trying to distinguish fact from reality. My heart remains heavy so my thoughts must be real. Emily did exist and as much as it hurts to believe she is gone.

A bono and she disappeared into the ground. The coffin was lowered and my mind seems to block most off that out. I close my eyes and try to remember so I can get my head to believe where reality begins and ends.

So what’s next? Do I turn the pages and try to write a new chapter. The new chapter started with crocked, squiggly lines that are not clear and hard to decipher because this moment in my life is skewed by what does not feel like I’m

existing in this world. I’ve become lost.

There exist shadows within this darkness of emotional turmoil. I reach to them. Feeling my way arms trying to find freedom from sadness. A bright light exists and brings warmth over me. The happiness hasn’t left it is here but covered within the shadows of darkness. Let the light shine in. Let my life begin to grow to a new level. Let me take this moment and grow stronger and use this moment in life to help others. I want to help and teach others that we can get out of the darkness with our own strength and power.

Broken

People asked when do you think you will be feeling better? People ask what can they do to make this pain go away. They want to see us go back to normal.

Well, the fact is I’m broken and everyone in the family is also broken.

The pain will never leave and I’ll never be normal again. The pieces of my heart have shattered into a million pieces to a point of an undesirable and unbearable thought.

The scars are deep and profound. My body is sore from enduring this relentless pain. I feel stripped of my personality that once existed and I need to build a new me.

How am I doing?

I’m okay. I’m alive. But I’m not the old me. I’m working towards becoming a new me. One that can still say she has 5 beautiful children but one remains 19 forever. One that can smile and enjoy life and find happiness in everything around her. I want to be able to look at the Emily that once was and smile and embrace the times we share. To be able to do this without tears streaming down my face.

World I still love you and want to make this relationship with life work but I’m looking for a hand to hold as this new world scares me and has taken away a part of me.

Unfree

The week before Emily died she left some clues that I now see.

Almost Everyday from age 14 on Emily would make the statement I want to die. Every time we would act on it and search to see where she was at mentally. Did she need to be hospitalized. Was this a time when she needed more help.

The conversations were long and we delved into many topics. She would make comments like “I can’t do this anything. I won’t ever be able to take care of myself. Im not ever going to be good. My least favorite comment was ” mom one day I’m going to die and I’m going to die before you. I know this is hard for you to hear and I’ve been holding onto life for a long time and I’m not feeling better.” My response was always, ” Emily I don’t think I could ever live without you. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much.”

Were these the final words that say she’s done.

Raising a child is one thing and a difficult task at that but raising a child with mental illness is very taxing. Especially when you are a health professional and find life sacred and will do anything to protect it and keep it here.

Looking back into time. The week before her last breathe was unique. I look back and think there were signs. She was more elated than normal. She called me in the middle of the week at work just to tell me “mom I love you and I want you to know I think the world of you. Mom you’re the best mother anyone could ask for. Hearing these words heightened me and made me question her. Emily are you alright? Emily are you going to hurt yourself.

Emily laughed and said I knew you would say that.

We talked a while longer and during the conversation I grabbed my keys and headed to my car to go home to check on her.

Arriving home to find everything to be okay. I then asked her to go out to sushi with me.

The day seemed normal. Little did I know she had the same conversation with her dad right before I had talked with her…..

She had already made up her mind but we were not aware.

The following day we were suppose to go pick up her cousin Tory. As the hours to the day ended there was a power outage at work and we had no air conditioning. Inn the next second, Emily called me and was very upset because I was not able to leave work. We talked for a bit. Then I checked in with unit. All was good and the charge nurses would call if they needed my help. I then headed out to pick up Emily and then drove 2 hours to go get tori.

Looking back I think Emily was very upset because she wanted Tory there. She wanted to spend her last days with her best friend.

As I continue to ponder about this story tears start streaming down my face. I begin to have a clearer recollection of the day.

Why Emily left is all I want to know.

We had the best week of our lives the week before she died….. Why Emily why.

I sit here and hold my breath and think wow this is hard and must have been so painful as she died gasping for air.. I don’t know how it was but I have seen many people die through the years and it’s painful and sad.

.

Depression has no face

Do you wake up one day and say I want to be depressed?

Do you think you can tell by looking at a person that they have depression?

Do you think can see the signs and protect them to all ends of the world?

Do you really think you know what you’re talking about when you tell someone they have bipolar or depression or for that fact any mental health issue?

Who are we fooling?

Egos of the mental health professional will tell you they have the answers and can fix it but they can’t. It’s not a simple surgery that is diagnosed and repaired.

This cancerous diseases is without boundaries and has no biases. It chooses who it wants and rules thier life beyond control. You have now become the puppet of the mental health world. Feed them the pills and tell them what to say that is correct way in this world……

Heck there is no medicine out there that can cure, fix, mend or repair this destructive disease.

I am a health professional. I have read thousands of articles and many books related to mental health illness and much to my dismay I have no answers.

Many times the answer is just mental growth and time. But in most cases the sands of time have run out and we lose our precious children to this cancer.

What is that they say. Your can’t have happiness or understand happiness without sorrow and pain. I think I have tackled that but my thoughts of sorrow and pain are still stuck in limb and my thoughts of happiness are skewed with a new perception.

Smile the say. Be happy each and everyday.

I don’t want someone you feel this is all meant to be negative or deactivate your thoughts on positivity in this world around us. I want this to be suicide by words. Slowly we are dying inside and looking

Life

My heart is heavy. My life seems chaotic. I’m confused and lost in a sea of tears. Looking for answers. Looking for her. Where are you now.

Where have you gone.

My heart aches.

My eyes weep.

My life is changed

I can’t sleep.

Dreams are not dreams

The joy of sleep does not exist.

Time passes slowly and night is still here. Closing my eyes brings only fear.

Find me, help me, I’m lost today.

I’m looking for tomorrow or just another day. The present is painful. The hurt is strong and I’m not sure today that I want to go on.

Take a deep breathe.

One day at a time.

Sleep I tell myself

Sleep for a long time.

Dreams might become reality and she might be there. I can hold her tight and I can hold her here. Sleep I say.

Sleep

Slow down world

Slow down world teens are killing themselves. Continually we hear about another death. The alarming number of trends that are depressed or anxious. W have done and made this world this way. The world that is high paced and pushy.

What are we doing? Looking for answers to suicide related to deepen depression or anxiety. The answers are in front of us. We continue to push our society to be better than other nations. We through put more and more technology and expect our children to be able to adapt to these changes in life.

Oh many are learning to cope but many are not and the numbers are growing. Mental illness is growing at alarming rates and we are putting bandaids on it. Through another medicine down their throat and the pain will get all better.

What has happened? We taken away thier freedom to be kids. The recesses are limited to the younger ones which is crazy. The ones that need it most and it can help then cope are the teens. We have reached a level duo high that to be able to fix and treat is beyond our comprehension.

Okay world wake up.

Where is our government in all this?

We have a heroin crisis that they are focused on…… Well, let me tell you those young children using heroin are part of this group of mental health concerns for certain. Each and everyone of them are trying to cope with this world that does not give them time to grow up.

They ask for answers on how to fix the epidemic which is worse than Ebola but they didn’t ask the right people. The grieving parent. We have answers right in front if us. See there were signs and warning ask through their life but many of us think “they just need to learn how to vote in this world”. They need to realize ask this stuff they have to learn is needed.

Yes there are many that street very successful at dealing with this but I bet if you ask any parent did their children have trouble coping and dealing with this freaking crazy fast pace of the world the sneer would be”yes”.

I even struggle with the pace on days and in an adult with coping skills.

We need to focus on the real problem. Build schools that will help this group of children learn at a pace that the can cope. We build schools for children with severe mental handicaps. We provide treatment and necessary things for kids with cancer but not for this……

The treatment and ideas needed is closer at hand than we think.

Part of my mind said why not make a serotonin pump regulator just like they do for diabetics but I’m not sure that is the full fix. Society is the fix we need…. Come on world let’s focus the schools and government for a change. Classes on teaching about copping silks for depression, exercise class for all students…

Slow down and take it easy…. Save our kids.

It takes time

It started as a small scrap that needed to heal. You now have a big gaping wound. You apply a bandage that barely covers the entire surface of the wound. The blood gradually seeps out from the edges. The wound continues to grow and right now there is no way of healing it. The healing process is not simple as most of the traditional medicines do not work. Time passes and that person grows old. That wound that existed is healed on the outside but deep within that wound are pieces that never healed. Pieces that are tender to touch.

Life happens, and we stumble, trip and fall causing the gaping wound to become exponentially bigger, and open up. We look for things to help us heal. We listen to others and try to put our life in perspective. It’s not so bad. Others have it worse. Many say I could not survive your pain. You have pain I reply and it is all difficult and hard to get through. What is one person pain could be different for another person.

Look at my wound and feel the bumpy edges as the skin tries to heal together to mend life and find meaning and purpose for ourselves.

Work hard on finding a remedy to get the wound to heal. A smile to make happiness. A hug to soothe the heart. A simple kiss on the cheek to remember all that we have been through together. Kind words pour out and begin the journey of healing. Love conquers the hatred that was building within the wound.

We have been given many healing gifts in our life. Many start with that cute tiny smile and bubbling joy from a tiny voice “MiMah love you”. Embrace this healing power and know the strength is within you.

Missing you Emily but I’m not going to let me not live. I’m putting the bandage on for the moment but I will heal and find meaning. Love you lots.

Rude awakening

Life is a challenge and this is something that I have told many people. Sometimes I think and wander if we could simplify life and sum in up so that the pain is done in a quick second. Put life in fast forward and hope you remember all the high lights.

I want to live my life again and I want to “be free”. Breathe I tell myself as the emotions climb. Don’t think about it. Find someone else’s problems to deal with so you don’t have to face your own. Well I realized, That’s not gonna work. Facing them head on does not work either.

Each and everyday I try to open up that filing cabinet in my head to sort through the papers that are written about grief, death and dying. Those words written then in my mind had no meaning. They were mere words smeared upon a paper but now they have taken on a personality of its own. How do I deal with this you ask. I don’t know. Those words written are not written for everyone. Grief is forefront in each of our lives and is different for all of us. With mine comes certain sadness, depression and an overwhelming feeling to say nothing or I’m okay.

Let me explain the weird Okay. Okay is a word that many of us use but okay is not always okay but in some off our minds it means many words that would be to numerous and inundating to handle. With those words comes the cry for help.

Hello world I’m lost in my head with sadness while everyone around me is happy. Block out those emotions and say never, never again will you take over my life. I am okay.

Miss you baby girl.

Dark side

Hiding what’s on the inside. The emptiness is there. Sadness is disguised. The emotions run deep. Hold onto your life and don’t let go.

Take a deep breath, hold it, close your eyes, listen and wait. Deep in my mind is her memories. They are blurry and the sounds are faint. It is now 12 weeks and it hasn’t changed. What seems unreal is real. What I want is not there.

The last day is really the last day and there’s no turning back. Oh how my heart aches.

Sadness is so deep within my soul and has become a part of me.

Life needs to be lived but seems impossible.

I sit surrounded by her pictures on the bedroom floor. I hold tight a piece of her clothing that once touched her soft skin. I get lost in thought hoping to see her again. I forget that I need to live for a brief moment. I forget that she’s gone. I beg to hear the sounds of her voice resonate through the room. Her laughter, her smile, her everything she has.

I want to hold onto the past. I want to stay there and not come back. I want the pain to stop. Her heart stopped beating and I wasn’t there to hold and say goodbye.

When we go through life we have moments when we beg God to change the outcome. We beg for the life to stay here with us but I didn’t get that chance.

How do you stop the tears. How do you stop feeling the pain. How do you smile and truly mean that everything is ok.

Oh I want her back and can’t figure out how to do that. I listen to the sounds of her voice recorded as she sings with Kayden. Her voice is beautiful. She is free to sing. She is free from life. She is at peace.

Be free Emily.