The week before Emily died she left some clues that I now see.
Almost Everyday from age 14 on Emily would make the statement I want to die. Every time we would act on it and search to see where she was at mentally. Did she need to be hospitalized. Was this a time when she needed more help.
The conversations were long and we delved into many topics. She would make comments like “I can’t do this anything. I won’t ever be able to take care of myself. Im not ever going to be good. My least favorite comment was ” mom one day I’m going to die and I’m going to die before you. I know this is hard for you to hear and I’ve been holding onto life for a long time and I’m not feeling better.” My response was always, ” Emily I don’t think I could ever live without you. Please don’t leave me. I love you so much.”
Were these the final words that say she’s done.
Raising a child is one thing and a difficult task at that but raising a child with mental illness is very taxing. Especially when you are a health professional and find life sacred and will do anything to protect it and keep it here.
Looking back into time. The week before her last breathe was unique. I look back and think there were signs. She was more elated than normal. She called me in the middle of the week at work just to tell me “mom I love you and I want you to know I think the world of you. Mom you’re the best mother anyone could ask for. Hearing these words heightened me and made me question her. Emily are you alright? Emily are you going to hurt yourself.
Emily laughed and said I knew you would say that.
We talked a while longer and during the conversation I grabbed my keys and headed to my car to go home to check on her.
Arriving home to find everything to be okay. I then asked her to go out to sushi with me.
The day seemed normal. Little did I know she had the same conversation with her dad right before I had talked with her…..
She had already made up her mind but we were not aware.
The following day we were suppose to go pick up her cousin Tory. As the hours to the day ended there was a power outage at work and we had no air conditioning. Inn the next second, Emily called me and was very upset because I was not able to leave work. We talked for a bit. Then I checked in with unit. All was good and the charge nurses would call if they needed my help. I then headed out to pick up Emily and then drove 2 hours to go get tori.
Looking back I think Emily was very upset because she wanted Tory there. She wanted to spend her last days with her best friend.
As I continue to ponder about this story tears start streaming down my face. I begin to have a clearer recollection of the day.
Why Emily left is all I want to know.
We had the best week of our lives the week before she died….. Why Emily why.
I sit here and hold my breath and think wow this is hard and must have been so painful as she died gasping for air.. I don’t know how it was but I have seen many people die through the years and it’s painful and sad.