As the days pass the pain grows. The fear and knowing that I have lost her forever becomes a reality. I reach for a small piece of her presence. I yearn to feel her once again. The sadness is one that I can never explain.
Tomorrow is 7 weeks. Who’s counting? Me I’m counting and unsure of when I will stop. Pieces of my life are fading away. I’m losing more than Emily. I’m losing a big part of my happiness. I don’t want to be glum. I don’t want to talk about it all the time. I don’t want to remember the graphic images. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want my life.
I feel anger erupting. I feel anxiety building. I think I’ve reached my all time low in life. I’ve become lost in this grief cycle and can’t get out.
I’m sorry Emily. I feel like I’ve failed you and I can’t get over it. I’ve made choices that I make me question myself. Why? Why did you leave me so soon. Why did you have to go. How do I stop the crying? How do I stop the pain? How do I know I’m on the right track? Pouring the pieces of the puzzle out of the box and onto the table and all I see is mass confusion and a disarray of colors. One by one I pick them up and analyze the edges to see if they fit into my life. Some things have edges that don’t match up and belong to another puzzle. They need to be put aside while I work on life. The box does not contain any more pieces that would add to my life. The box is empty.