You sit and ponder the thoughts of everything that has happened. Responses to people become abrupt. Your patience is limited. You want to be strong. You want to be normal. You want happiness all the time. You sit in a quite Dark area and explore your raw emotions and the pain caused by these feelings. I look to find meaning and understanding. I want to be strong. I want to be happy, elated, ecstatic, overjoyed. I want my new norm to start but it can’t. I travel through this journey of what some call life, others call a trek. I call it a hike. I trudge uphill and try to reach the top. Should’ve ridden a bike so I can coast downhill when I get to the top. But in life there is no coasting. Many times there may be an occasional piggyback ride or two.
Gentle reminders are all around. Talking about her makes it feel like she is still here with me. Hopefully I can go home and cook her dinner or take her out to eat. I will see her after I walk in the door. Well, sometimes I would still have to wake her when I got home. Her depression kept her in bed. She struggled to do everyday living. Emily didn’t want to go out to see people. Instead I would go to her room and I would lie down next to her in bed and start bugging her and use what she called “my stupid humor”. I did not have the sense of humor that her dad and her had. I did have one. She would always laugh even when it wasn’t warranted. I would kiss her gently on the cheek and say ” sorry my kisses aren’t as good as your boyfriends but mine will always be there. ”