Each morning I wake and think it’s not real. The shock is still there. The moments from the time get farther away. I say repeatedly I don’t know how people do it and survive our move forward.
Well, I’m reading and understanding. Doesn’t fix it or mend the hole in my heart but it brings a little clarity.
I’m numb. I can see things happening all around. I make myself do things that should occur out of habit, knowledge or routine. I trudge forward to the next day only to have to do it all over again.
That is wake up and realize it is real. The thoughts flood through my head and are random, distorted and disconnected. We are given the ability to turn our brains off to survive and that’s what I think I’m doing sometimes. I bring clarity and make decisions when needed and those times help distract me from the reality off this tragic loss that has made a gaping hole in my life.
The puzzle is still in disarray. The clouds above are still dark. The echoes of her voice are missing. The light is barely flickering but I’m here and I’m numb.
My mind will help me know when and how much I can endure. It is wonderful thing at times.
The books help me understand that even though I’m not remembering everything about Emily those precious memories are being stored so that I can access them when I’m able to cope better.
Emily keep giving me signs. It helps me to cope knowing that you might be near.
Love you Emily. Miss you everyday. I have learned to not cry all the time but that does not mean I don’t miss you.