Just breathe

I’m talking more now Emily. I’m sharing your story’s about your life. Short and sweet it was. Saddened that you left us but it will not be a lost cause. For everything that happens in life there is a purpose. There is reason and maybe I’ll find understanding.

I’ve waited for superman to save the day and bring her back but that was a jovial short lived thought that will move on. Every step you took and every breath you made I gave you from birth. The years we shared were momentous.

I think you knew all along and I understand now. You called me that week at work to tell me how much you truly appreciated me and loved me. Those words resound in my head like musical notes.

My heart skips a beat and my stomach feels like it’s in a ball the thought that you had made that decision and couldn’t tell me hurts. I love you more than words can explain.

Sometimes I sit in silence listening for your voice, listening for the sounds of your feet shuffling across the floor, awaiting for your return. But I know the truth and know you’re gone for good.

Emily all I ask is that you be here in spirit and guide us in life. Be here for us so that we can survive this tragic story.

Be around for the births of your new niece our nephew and watch them take a breath for the first time.

No days without tears 

Each day I wake I hope that this day will be without tears. But the tears find thier way down my cheeks. Streams of them come as the memories flood through my head. Tear drops are needed in life and part of our being but in times like this the tear drops are an excessive amount. There is no holding back. A trigger, a thought, a sound, a moment, a feeling, an instinct, the thought of loss and then the emotions overcome me. My soul feels like it is being ripped out of my chest. As I cry I lose my breath and think did that happen to her. Did she feel pain. I sure hope not. 

Oh my baby girl. The tears are now pouring out of my eyes and there is no stopping them. Please help me see the light. Please help me find meaning and purpose. Please show me the way. As I walk thorough my day let me be strong. Let me live again. But don’t let me forget my Emily.
Years have passed and Emily has grown up to be 19. She was not a baby anymore. But she was to me. If I could I would do it all over again. I would change some things and hope that it keeps her in this world longer. 

Miss you Em.

A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings.

Having an epiphany

Wow, an epiphany had hit me. Finally, a simple moment in time where I have had a sudden realization about the meaning of suicide and what brought Emily to that moment where she couldn’t think or grasp the full extent of the impact that it would have on us. 

Friday’s have been rough days and each day leading up my mind would ramp up with an intense emotional feeling. Why I asked myself. This Friday became my lowest of lows and I couldn’t see through the darkness. Don’t quite know how I’ve come to this higher cognitive thought process but I think I found one of my puzzle pieces. 

Just sitting here and pondering through each and every moment up until when Emily left us. I realized that Friday, In my mind, had meaning and purpose. The last Friday before she passed was very momentous where we shared some happy and joyous times skipping through stores and laughing. Hitting my low point in my mind put me in a thought process that helped me gather the facts of her saddened moment. I felt the pain. The sadness is so overtaking that one cannot see the light of day.

Emily I understand where you were at mentally. Your mind was not clear and the thoughts and emotions that you had were only about getting rid of the draining pain and anguish that you were experiencing. The amount of effort that it takes to feel happiness when sadness is within you at every constant moment is draining and overwhelming. The moment when you made that decision was not you trying to be selfish. You had nothing else going through your mind but mental pain and destruction. Your walls had crumbled and you couldn’t hold them up as your strength was limited and drained.  Each rock you lifted to build the wall back up became heavier with each passing moment. The words you utter are ” I am fine”and a simple smile and nod off your head. The walls left you more open an vulnerable and you didn’t want anyone in. Breathing became time consuming and your thoughts why do I need to do this. Silence once again as you near the end. A feeling of calmness overtakes your body and you near the end.

Good bye you say until we meet again.

Meaning and purpose

Where do you begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Reaching for answers is what we all try to do. The pieces seem so lost within life. There are edges without meaning and purpose but we have to give it some. We are lost in a room of darkness. Sounds echo around us with words of support and encouragement. Guidance on ways to do things and people to talk with. Some have open conversations with insightful thoughts.  The words are valuable but as one sits in this room of darkness and our bodies are numb the words fly by and see hard for a brief moment. Some are retained and hopefully used but many have great thoughts and pass us by because we are still lost trying to find answers, trying to find my Emily, trying to find meaning, trying to find a reason to go on. 

I understand how they make that horrible decision to take their life and not think of us that are left behind. They are stuck in a chaotic mindset of pain and anguish. Lost in a room of darkness without doors. One day I would hope that we can change that so when they have those thoughts there is more than that which they think of.

Wish I was with her. Wish I never left her suffer. Wish I was by her side and held her hand. Don’t worry baby girl mommy is here now and I’m with you. I love you Emily.

Emily I’m moving on or at least I’m trying. It is not that I don’t love you but that I love all of you and love all of them. I need to make sure I am mom and I’m here for them. I need to live. I need to stay. I need to hold the walls up all around each and everyone of us. 

Please meet me at the gate one day and hug me tight. I don’t think I’ll forget your beautiful smile our precious face but if I do just grab me. Love you. Love you always.

Keep people in your life. Hold them tight. A simple I love you and a hug every night. Make today always today and don’t wait for tomorrow.

Make memories, make moments, make life fun because we will not remember the day but we will remember the moments that we make. Realize each and every little task is a great accomplishment and celebrate them.

God thank you for each and every person in my life. They are my strength. They are my guides, they are my family. 

Just another day

As the days pass the pain grows. The fear and knowing that I have lost her forever becomes a reality. I reach for a small piece of her presence. I yearn to feel her once again. The sadness is one that I can never explain.

Tomorrow is 7 weeks. Who’s counting? Me I’m counting and unsure of when I will stop. Pieces of my life are fading away. I’m losing more than Emily. I’m losing a big part of my happiness. I don’t want to be glum. I don’t want to talk about it all the time. I don’t want to remember the graphic images. I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to cry anymore. I want my life.

I feel anger erupting. I feel anxiety building. I think I’ve reached my all time low in life. I’ve become lost in this grief cycle and can’t get out. 

I’m sorry Emily. I feel like I’ve failed you and I can’t get over it. I’ve made choices that I make me question myself. Why? Why did you leave me so soon. Why did you have to go. How do I stop the crying? How do I stop the pain? How do I know I’m on the right track? Pouring the pieces of the puzzle out of the box and onto the table and all I see is mass confusion and a disarray of colors. One by one I pick them up and analyze the edges to see if they fit into my life. Some things have edges that don’t match up and belong to another puzzle. They need to be put aside while I work on life. The box does not contain any more pieces that would add to my life. The box is empty. 

Depression has no need for logic

Many of us have been stranger’s to the darkness. Many of us have been to that moment where there is no logic or reasoning. The thoughts are completely and utterly chaotic. Emotions soar to a new high and there’s no turning back. Why is it that some of us have gone to the brink of darkness, felt the emotional drain as our lives feel like they will slip away. We tremble with fear within our bodies from that desire to be done. But what makes some of us survive this thwarting and unrelenting pain of depression or debilitating anxiety? The answers are not there.

Many sit in the corner of a dark room in thier young adolescent years hoping for answers to their pain. Aww you’ll get over it one replies. Don’t worry this will soon pass and you will be fine again. But there are some where the dark, grey skies come in with thunder and   black clouds l, the time tics on and the pain grows. The therapist spew words of encouragement that will hopefully last until the next time. But then the time stops.

This cancer called “depression” is a  taunting and debilitating disorder. We need to find some answers and help these people.

Trying to work through it

I’m stuck. I’m feeling overwhelmed and can’t move forward. I’m lost and confused. I’m trying to work through this. 

Life is hard and for some it’s harder. I’ve seen many things that can destroy you mentally and have been able to work through it. This time the walls feel like they are crumbling down. I don’t want to go forward. I want to turn back time. Capture everything again and make some changes in hopes that I’ll get a different outcome.

Why? Why did this happen? Why does it hurt so bad. I’m trying to go find happiness and make new memories but the emotions break down my walls. I’m vulnerable and unable to control it. 

Live life is what I tell everyone. Keep a positive outlook. One thing you get to choose each day is your attitude but I’m getting my emotions are trumping that. I don’t want to be around people. I want to hide from the world.

Looking to tomorrow

The days go on and another week that she’s gone. My emotions still are high and wishing she was here. I want to cry but know that eventually I need to figure this all out.

As I go day by day I long and yearn for her to be here today. When I close my eyes my brain retreats to the memories that I have left of her. Time is not making the pain go away. Time is not healing me.

I feel there are moments where in my mind I’m sitting in darkness and no one is there’s I’m lost and can’t find my way. 
Emily I wish you were here today. I wish my memories are wrong of that horrific day.
Love you Emily…

Darkness

In the darkness we sit. Clenching onto an item that was once hers. Looking around the room you see if she’s near. Listening, grasping and hoping for a moment to know she’s close.

As days pass the pain from the sorrow starts to grow. I’m unsure how to handle this as I’ve never done this before. A mother is not suppose to bury her child. A father should be able to walk his daughter down the aisle for her wedding day. Graduation sounds will never resound. Her day is gone. Her memories are all that exist.

My mind gets lost in the turmoil of that day on June 24. What really happened? What made her do this?

The pain within me is strong as I long to hold her once again. You never know which day will be their last day. A child could die on a journey to the beach or a visit to grandma’s house. In the blink of an eye your lives could be turned upside  down.

Don’t take for granted the little things in life. Savor each hug, every kiss on the cheek, every good night I love you for these memories can become only memories because death can cross their path.

Gentle reminder of gentle kisses as the anger sets in

You sit and ponder the thoughts of everything that has happened. Responses to people become abrupt. Your patience is limited. You want to be strong. You want to be normal. You want happiness all the time. You sit in a quite Dark area and explore your raw emotions and the pain caused by these feelings. I look to find meaning and understanding. I want to be strong. I want to be happy, elated, ecstatic, overjoyed. I want my new norm to start but it can’t. I travel through this journey of what some call life, others call a trek. I call it a hike. I trudge uphill  and try to reach the top. Should’ve ridden a bike so I can coast downhill when I get to the top. But in life there is no coasting. Many times there may be an occasional piggyback ride or two. 

Gentle reminders are all around. Talking about her makes it  feel like she is still here with me. Hopefully  I can go home and cook her dinner or take her out to eat. I will see her after I walk in the door. Well, sometimes I would still have to wake her when I got home. Her depression kept her in bed. She struggled to do everyday living.  Emily didn’t want to go out to see people. Instead I would go to her room and I would lie down next to her in bed and start bugging her and use what she called “my stupid humor”. I did not have the sense of humor that her dad and her had.  I did have one. She would always laugh even when it wasn’t warranted. I would kiss her gently on the cheek and say ” sorry my kisses aren’t as good as your boyfriends but mine will always be there. ” 

I long for tomorrow. I’m hoping it brings me more clarity, more understanding and more life to share my love with all. Miss you….