When I lost you

When I lost you the screams from my voice resonated through the town. I hold my breath thinking that you will be home. I sit and listen to the family talk about you in past tense just now beginning to realize that it’s true.

I’m wishing for a better ending. I’m wishing I could change time. That one last hug never came. That one last moment never existed because it was all made up in my mind to help me cope.

Where do I go from here. Where do I go now. I was willing to dedicate everything and every bit of time to you in order to keep you here.

Breathe i tell myself and think about tomorrow. Look for the meaning and look for a purpose. Stay grounded here on earth I tell myself. Stay here because the world needs you.

Tomorrow has come and the sounds are of everyday activities. The mundane life is still moving forward. People around have been in tomorrow for a while. My existence has changed but others only see sadness and a broken heart. I see a life trying to find a new path.

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Rewind button

Push the button. Start life over to the day she was born. Pause to inhale the newborn baby smell. Slowly I stroke the side of her check and she begins to startle and move around. Her face nuzzles into my breast. The cuddle, the joy. Her life is here. February 28, 1998.

Her dad sits with a smile as he had instantly fell in love with her. He gazed at her as I cuddled her close. Quietly he whispered to her about the family. Love you baby girl he would say.

There is truly love at first sight when you have a baby. These moments throughout parenting are monumental and a moment that you would cherish forever. You would hope to carry them to the grave with you. You would hope that you would out live your children.

Then life happens. The moment you did not prepare for. Emily is gone and not ever coming back. To see her, touch her, and cuddle her once more.

Etched within my mind are many precious moments. If only. If only I could change things or press a rewind button and live some of the moments again. When I hug her the hugs would last a long time as she wiggled and try to get out of the grasps of my arms.

Take each day and live add though there won’t be a tomorrow. There’s not going to be a rewind button.

Don’t forget the moments to say I love you. You’re awesome and I’m so glad you’re a part of my life. I wouldn’t want anything different.

Miss you princess Emily.

Pages in life

Your story was written. There was a beautiful ending. The pages turn day by day and there may be small hiccups that change the written words in the pages. Occasionally some of us have a moment in life that is bigger than the words we can write on the page. We try so hard to erase it but it was written in permanent ink. The pages become smeared and worn as we work hard to continue to try to erase this moment. Days go by but the pages are written. My tears fall to the pages and and more smudge and mess to this page. I’m turning it now and trying to rewrite the story. Emily is not part of our future story. She’s not the hero at the end but she was written into the story. She’s the character that didn’t make it.

How many times have we read a book and lose a character along the way. Quickly we forget about them and plunge through the story to get to the end and find that happiness again. Well, I’m living that story where the character is gone. Funny thing is that I don’t want to get to the end. I know she’s not going to be there and do want her to be.

Each day, We are working through the new pages of life. Just not written the way we would like. When there is a story you always want it to be a fairy tale but not in this case.

We are working on making new smiles in our story. Creating pages that will wow you.

Make this fairytale the best ever. Love my family and hate what we are working through.

Broken crayons

Stay between the lines and color a beautiful rainbow only to find that a crayon had broken.

It still works I would tell her. Broken crayons still color. She would glance up at me and smile. No mommy they don’t. Broken crayons don’t color. I loved her innocence and her thoughts. At this moment I knew there would be more to the story. Mommy she said politely when things are broken they stop working. Really, I replied. Yes remember when your back was broken and it didn’t work she said. Yes I do remember. But Emily do you remember that mommy had it fixed and it worked again. She smiled and picked up the broken crayons and began to try to put them together. Glue mummy. I need some to fix this. I smiled and headed to get her some glue.

Those memories. Those stories. My mind is slowly starting to grasp those stories of her life. The innocence that once was there.

She became that broken crayon. She was filled with so much color but had become broken over time. We looked for the glue to put the pieces together but it was never found.

The crayon remained broken and as we tried to put the pieces together the colors were not matching up.

Oh how I wish I could’ve saved her. My life without her had become this mismatched crayon. I look to find a way to make the colors of the rainbow on the walls of life. Broken crayons still color.

Don’t let the world pass you by

The world goes on and there’s no doing it. Emily is now not a physical part of our life. There is not a moment that I don’t search for her as I walk through my days. There is not a moment that does not trigger a thought of her each day.

I look and search for my new normal. Trying to feel a new emotional norm. Sense of sadness tends to try and monopolize my thoughts but I’m trying to be stronger than that’s

I love closing my eyes and living in make believe a world with you here once more. We can giggle, laugh and smile. You can help find your brothers and sisters smiles once again.

Ugh, this is so real and it’s so lousy. Years will pass and I’ll never see you again. Hang in there Emily and wait for us. There will be a moment that I’ll see you again.

Facing the world

I sit gazing out into the distance. Blankly starting into nothingness. Not noticing the world around and the sounds outside. Whisk, splat, bang and clang noises continue to sound loudly and they don’t even catch my attention for a mere second.

The world is slowly passing me by. Clocks tic on.

I’m supported by so many but I still feel so all alone. My new normal is hard to accept and feels like I’ll never find my new home within my mind. It hasn’t settled and caught onto reality. It is lost and traveling many paths of life’s past. Catching a glimpse of those happy memories before my Emily had passed.

My life is caught staring into nothingness and seeing her there. Such beauty gone into the abyss which we don’t quite understand.

Listening for her voice within my memory is a difficult task. The recollection is a task that my brain seems to not be able to do.

Somedays, I wonder what it would be like to never have her in my life. Would I give that up to not endure this pain at this moment in my life…… Pause…. Think…. What she has brought to my life was so many happy memories mixed with love and kindness. The thought of passing that by in life I would never do….. So this pain I must endure to have loved her at all.

Thank you Emily for being in my life…. Thank you for those memories to cherish. My heart will forever hold you near. The pieces of your joyfully misguided life is here with me always.

One day

One day again without you

One day

One day I’ll see you again.

Today I have to live in this world and share with everyone my meaning and purpose for life.

You did not die in vain. Your mental instability will be addressed at a higher level. I will fight to make a change. I will fight for the life of others.

Dear Emily

Emily I’m writing you this letter and hoping to hear from you. I’m sure you already know and can see what is happening but I’m lost without you. Who could’ve imagined the damage this would cause.

Guess what, today I had many moments were my thoughts were of you and there would be a flash within my head, a glimpse of time that’s past and pictures of you floating within my vision as I walk thorough the hallways at work. Don’t forget You are here with me and I haven’t forgotten about you.

I do have some simple questions and I’m hoping you can answer them for me. Why did you have to leave? Why did God give you so much pain? Why couldn’t the doctors see the medicine want working?

Well, enough of my questions I want to know about you. How are things there? Is heaven everything they say it should be? I could only imagine what you see and feel. When the sky is beautiful I think of you and I hope you are enjoying that beauty from wherever you are. I tell myself one day I’ll see you again, your smile, your face, you….. If only…… If only…… Is the statement I tell myself over and over again. Always wish I could’ve seen this coming and be prepared to deal with it. Many moms lose three children but is it always this painful.

I just want to go outside and run with you, play softball with you. There are so many things that I used to love that some days o dread doing because it reminds me of you. You were so awesome. God gave me you and made you so special. I never thought he would take you away so quickly.

I will never forget that day and the many days that lead up to the moment when you took your life. I continually ponder and wonder what if I did something different.

I know you always told me it was only a matter of when you would kill yourself and not if you were going to do it. I truly hoped that would never happen. Promise me you’ll always keep in touch with us so that we can endure life without you.

Well, princess I miss you and I’m sure you miss us. If you are watching give us an occasional hug. I miss your hugs.

Talk to you later. Love you so much. Please take care of yourself. We are always thinking of you and wish you were here.

PS..We’ll always save you a seat at the table, on the couch for snuggles, everywhere we go.

PSS..Erica and Jessie are truly struggling and I need an angel to look over them. Also, look over the rest of the family but keep a special eye on them.

If you can work some magic were open to an easier life. Just kidding the challenges make us who we are.

Love you,

Mom

Sending you a picture of your favorite niece and nephew. Oh forgot to tell you there is one more baby girl in the way.

One last breath

I’d give my last breath to bring you back.

I’d sit and wait a hundred years if I knew you would soon be here.

I’d hope for a future with you close to me always.

If only I knew what I know today I would’ve done everything to save you, everything to keep you here with me today.

Open up the curtains and let the sun shine in and feel the warmth upon my face. I close my eyes and imagine it’s the warmth of you near to me. You’re closer than I know. You’re in my heart forever and always. You are my Emily and I love you.

Drip drop the sounds echo in my head. Clang bang more noise and confusion. I’m lost within my mind searching for those

beautiful images of who you once were.

. Sweet Emily if only you knew what this would do.

Those horrific images of when I found you flag in my head on a continual basis only to remind me that you are gone. Home to a place you needed to be. Gone far away from me. I didn’t pack your bags, give you a hug or say goodbye.

This continues to be one of my hardest challenges in life.

When I say I would give my breath to bring you back I truly mean that. You deserved to live your life. You were so awesome. You were my princess Emily.

Miss you baby girl.

Deep breath

My night last night was like one of many. The moment when your heart becomes so heavy from the pain it has within. You search within your head to find pleasant images of her beautiful face. You yearn for her to be near and hold her within your arms.

I tell myself take a deep breath. Tomorrow is a new day. Keep the emotions trapped inside. Hold the tears back and everything will be alright.

The breathing doesn’t get any easier and the loss of her becomes so real. The flood of tears continue to roll down my face as I hope, wish, pray for her to be here.

Be brave I tell myself. There are many others in so much pain. Be strong I tell myself because I have to help the rest carry on.

Hearing the voices in my head. Hearing her giggles and jest about simple topics of life.

For her life was so complicated. Life was so painful. Life was not life like it is for you and I.

I’ve got to focus and make it all better. I’ve got to find a way in this world to live without her. I’ve got to be there for the other kids.

You are not alone. I tell myself. Your heavy heart is like other mothers.

Bye Emily

Bye until I see you again.